being abused.

For some reason I felt like I needed to share something that is very personal for me. I've been wanting to share this for awhile, but haven't had the words to express this experience I had to deal with. I also wrote an original song about what I went through during this relationship, and all of you were questioning about it. For those who don't know i'm boy crazy, ya I said it. I find boys cute and such but who doesn't?
I was boy crazy for a certain someone, and I was for quite sometime. If you are reading this, than you know who I will be talking about. My whole life changed when I was with him... some for the good and some for the bad. This relationship was weird, fun, caring and a loving one. It was for a long time, and then after awhile of being with him... every second was torture. I was stuck into a situation were I couldn't get out, I was in a dark hole; hell. He manipulated me like I was his stick figure. I didn't know what I did so wrong for him to be treating me like this. He just laughed and walked away like it was some type of a joke. He didn't care how it effected me, he never truly cared. he did so many things to me to the point where I thought what he did was okay. But in reality it was never okay. I loved him, I truly did. It may have been a dumb teenage love, but I did love him; so I stayed with him. I stayed with him because I thought I deserved what he was doing to me. If my best friend was doing this to me, than I guess I deserved the pain... right? We fought constantly, CONSTANTLY. There was never a moment where we weren't fighting, and he always started it.
He would tell my dreams were pathetic, he was a hypocrite, called me a slut, told me a dressed like a whore, told me that I wan an over dramatic cry baby and that I give the green card to every boy I see. If you don't understand the green card, it is basically meaning that I let boys get into my pants all the time. He always brought up my past and told me how an awful human being I was, he always threatened me and would always make me feel like everything I did was wrong. He used me through out this whole relationship. He made me cry myself to sleep and would cyber bully me tremendously.
He told me to quit ballroom team because the boys on that team would only stare at my butt. He would never let me hang out with my friends, if he didn't approve them, I couldn't go with them. I couldn't hang out with boys. I would always catch him cheating on me, but I always gave him those stupid second chances. I didn't know why. I then became his second choice, he told me that I become a worth less human being and that I became a sad sack. He would always tell me that other girls are better than me, because they were the "old happy me." Being second choice is not okay.
The worst feeling of all was him pushing me in the hall ways and into the lockers. Everyone would stare at him doing it, but wouldn't do anything about it. I was alone. I asked him in the eye if he was cheating on me, and he looked at me in the eye and said "Sienna, I would never do that to you. You're my pride and joy. Snap out of it." After he said that, I was sick to my stomach. I knew, KNEW he was lying. But I didn't listen to my gut. Two days later I saw him with the girl he replaced me with, and I saw him kiss her. When I went up to him in tears, he act as if I was crazy and laughed.... I didn't know why I was being treated like this... I didn't... I still don't know why..
First and foremost, I need to disclaim that none of this info comes from my most recent relationship.  This info comes from experiences from a relationship prior to that, and it has been a number of months since that ended.  I can say with complete honesty that none of this information is given in a spirit of anger or resentment.  On the contrary: I have no ill feelings towards my ex…  However, I can say that I might have been able spare both myself and my ex a number of wounds to heal from if these were some bits of advice I had known earlier in my life.  Also, please understand- I am an advocate of understanding mental illnesses and the challenges they present to people.  I believe that more people should be better educated as to what anxiety, bi-polar, and depression really are. I do not believe these are states that a person can just “snap” out of.  However, I do believe that these are elements that can be dealt with and that a person can learn how behave rightly and choose to make healthy decisions in spite of the mental illness.  This is by no means easily accomlished and is a long and hard road.If you are a young woman who feels that your relationship may be abusive or borderline abusive; or maybe you think everything is okay, and you can’t understand why you feel despair a great deal of the time- then I encourage you keep reading.———
1. Does your partner blame you for mistakes they have made? Maybe you have tried to confront them about a behavior that you know is destructive.  How do they react?  If they have a consistent tendency of putting that blame on you for their behaviors or of putting words in your mouth, then that is something to take note.  This is one of the first and easiest ways to spot manipulation, but it is one of the hardest habits to stand your ground against- because the hurt becomes directed at you.  If you have a tender heart and you want to help your partner, a manipulative person can tell that, and they will know you will believe them if they say it is your fault.  Don’t give in- A person may become offended, but that is not the same thing as emotionally cutting down someone they claim to love.Here’s a hint for you: if it feels like manipulations, it probably is. 
2. Does your partner walk away (emotionally or physically) from conflict:You need to understand what this action over time is going to do to you.  If you have to watch your person get up and leave the house when you start to talk about resolving an issue, or if they emotionally check out- this is a habit that, if not addressed will cut down your confidence, make you not feel worth their time, and will confuse you as to how conflict should indeed be handled.  Some people just don’t like conflict and will avoid it at all costs- however a person who loves you will always make some type of effort to work through an issue.  It will look different per couple, but some type of effort will be made.  This often goes with the point previously made. If you try to work something out, and in walking away, your partner expressed somehow that your desire to work through the issue is weak, overly sensitive, or needy, then something is off.  If they love you, and any of those statements are true, they will say them to you in a way to help you- not a way to cut you down or express disgust or disappointment.
3. Does your partner take you away from your friends/family?
4. Does your partner ever hurt/threaten to hurt you even jokingly?
5. Does your partner disrespect your physical boundaries?
6. Does He Slander those you love?
7. Does your Partner Still Love an Ex?
8. Forgiveness is the only way to heal .
Think back to when you first started dating your person. Who were your closest friends and the people you hung out with? Which family member were you closest with?Now look at right now. Do you find that you have not spoken to or spent time with many of these people for a considerable amount of time? Have you given up trying to apologize for how many times you have flaked out on the people you love so you could be with/support/appease your partner ? Isolation is one of the most common effects of an abusive relationship. If your partner ever uses time with your as a way of manipulating you, then I have to say, you are in for a rough time. If they become overly offended or sad when you express your want or need to spend time with your friends and family, this is not a healthy behavior.
Hint: If it feels like you are isolated- it’s because you probably are.
While your person may never ever hit you, there is an emotional toll to be taken in hearing it being expressed- or worse joked about.   While you do not want to be overly sensitive about jokes, this is an issue that does not need to be pushed hard before it becomes dangerous.And if they ever have hit or physically hurt you- get out. They may express that they want to change and be truly repentant after each time they hurt you- but when nothing changes, run.Now.They will not change for you. Something deeper than you is going to have to heal that wound and you should not be caught in the cross-fire until it does.
Hint: If while being with your partner, you find yourself in physical pain- something is very wrong.
If you find your boundaries being pushed and manipulated constantly, then the person you are with has a very blatant disregard for something you have chosen to hold to- either respect or protect your body. Therefore, they disrespect and do not care for the protection of your body.Often manipulation can be used in intervals of mental breakdown. If in a rejected advance your partner makes you sound like the one making the advance or that you were “asking for it”, you know they are manipulating you. This is a tactic to exhaust your resources and cause you to give in.Do not let them- in the long run, you will lose something very dear to you- you will have your will broken and that is often a worse violation than ever being touched.
Hint: If it feels violating- you don’t have to do it. You body is not thiers. They do not have a right to it.
9. Does your partner ever compare you to other women?If your partner consistently expresses how attractive other women are in a way that causes you to feel insecure, then something is usually wrong. Maybe you can feel his eyes wandering the minute an attractive women walks in the room  Maybe he has expressed what his ideal woman is and would like you to be more like her. Maybe he challenges you to be something very different from what you are.None of these are healthy for you- and they set him up for never being satisfied with anyone.You should never feel insecure due to something that your person has said to you.   You should feel more comfortable in your own skin and you should not question your person’s faithfulness.If they tell you that this is not the case- or that you are being too sensitive- that’s too bad for them.If he wants something other than you- then he needs to get someone other than you. Because you are too valuable to be compared with his head-trip of a woman.
Hint: If you don’t feel beautiful anymore, something’s wrong. You are supposed to feel secure.
If your partner talks disrespectfully about your family or your friends, this shows a character trait that you do not want to surround yourself with- pride. Venting, discussing, and talking through confusing or frustrating tendencies from those you love is normal- but if they feel the need to say disrespectful, cruel, or entitled things about your people, they do no respect you.If your partner is stuck in the past, then this can hurt you. Being honest about their past is usually a good thing, but when taken to an extent that causes you to believe that their past is more important to them than their present, it tells you something. My ex would sing songs about his past girlfriends over and over. Especially one girl. I felt forgotten and would be left in a room where he would not even see me because he was so consumed with the memory of the one that got away.If your partner is still in love with someone from his past and it is hurting you- and they will not listen to you when you try to express that, I’m sorry to say it is only going to lead to point 7. If you feel haunted by ghosts of Girlfriends Past, it’s a sign you need to take step back. Breathing should not be hard around your person.I know this does not fit with my ongoing format. But this is so important. Almost every scenario I have described to you has happened to me before- so I have it firsthand that recovering from such a relationship requires time and a lot of space.But you have to know that after you grieve, after you recover, and after you go through your “he’s satan and I’m better off without him” phase. You need to finish it with the hardest piece. You need to forgive him. If you don’t, he will become that ghost that haunts the next person you try to love.You don’t want that.To forgive you need to realize that they will probably never apologize. They will probably never understand what they did, and they will probably never be trust worthyThat’s okay. You forgiving them is not dependent on what they do. That is a burden you choose to let go of because it is a debt they can never repay you. You need to decide that they do not owe you anything. Not your years, not your body, not your youth, not your money. You have to give it all away, and say, “I don’t need anything back.”I promise you the relief will be overwhelming.  Sometimes this means you call them.  Sometimes you don’t. In my case, I didn’t. Sometimes, you need to just do it for yourself and let the past be the past.Dear reader, I hope that in some way this post can be stengthening.  If your relationship is abusive, only you can make the call you need to make, and I hope that some of this information can help you think through that decision.
As of now, I'm much happier. I've met another boy, but I'm not ready and mature enough for an another relationship. After going through counseling and getting back onto my feet with my loving family and Heavenly Father, I can finally breathe again. I don't wake up scared anymore, with a gut reaching feeling. I wake up refreshed and ready for what god has in stored for me. Meeting new boys and focusing on what I want to do in life. I was so trapped that I didn't even know what I wanted in life. I couldn't do anything that I loved doing. After us being apart, I have realized that I love several things. Things I didn't even know about my self. Life is beautiful, and if any of you are in an abusive relationship. GET OUT. ASAP. 

//xoxo