//xoxo
sienna
I do not want to share my name, due to personal reasons being.... But my story isn't the average bully story because it wasn't by my peers or anyone from school.. It was my biological father; he was my bully. My parents are divorced and I used to see him every other weekend. It started out as what he thought were jokes "hey your starting to get a little chubby haha" but to me they weren't. When is putting your daughter down ever a joke? And then the abuse got worse. He would call me names and put me down all the time... He would tell me he hated me and then tell me he loved me. He would say that I was never going to be good enough for anybody; and that when I died I would probably go to hell. I eventually believed him.. Because when someone is telling you things about yourself all the time you start to believe what the say about you. He would ask me why I wasn't small and skinny like my younger sister. He would tell me that I was worthless all the time. He would Rudely comment on my style if he didn't like it, if I had a zit he made it a huge deal and tell me I needed to find treatment because my face was apparently disgusting. But what he mostly bullied me about was my weight. He made me loose every bit of my confidence, I quit swimteam; the thing I loved most in this world, because I didn't feel like I was good enough to stay on the team. Looking back now I can see I was more then good enough.
When we went to restaurants he would tell I couldn't get a soda or a certain meal because I was gaining weight and should try to control it. And he always did it in front of the waiter or waitress serving us. Do you know how humiliating that feels? To be put down by your own father in front of an absolute stranger and in front of the people or family eating with you at the table? It's an absolutely terrible feeling. Keep in mind I wasn't even gaining weight, I was a twig at this point in my life. Even if I was gaining weight that never should've been done. But since I was constantly being told that I was fat I believed every word he said.. I thought if my own father is telling me this then it must be true. For some reason my dad started getting physically abusive too, I would be hit and pushed around for nothing. And he was verbally and emotionally abusive as well, I was yelled at and called names constantly for no reason.
To this day I still don't know his reasoning behind the abuse I received. It got so bad I became a bulimic for about 7 months, I lost over 30 pounds, I was sick and to this day I still have health problems because of my disorder. When my mom found out I was bulimic I was taken to a physciatrist and forced to eat and watched 24/7. I was severely depressed, I didn't let myself leave my house for over year in fear of being judged by people because of my "fat" body, I didn't even let myself go to the store to buy groceries with my mom. I didn't go into a pool for about 2 years.. And Being in the water has always been the biggest passion of my life. I didn't let myself do anything but sit in a rocking chair we had and read a book or sleep in my bed. I became suicidal and attempted suicide twice. Both times my mom caught me in the act, and I know it was God who sent her to me on those occasions, my journey in life wasn't over even though I wanted it to be. I used to cut for some time too. I still go to my physciatrist for my problems and I'm still struggling with my depression and anxiety, I'm still medicated, it's a constant never ending internal battle.
I just want to stand here as a voice to those who struggle with anything I've ever struggled with, but mostly depression as that is the most severe trial I deal with; even though everybody says happiness is a choice, for some people it isn't and don't be afraid to be honest about how your feeling, please don't keep it all in. I know how hard it is and how empty and worthless and terrible and sad you can feel, but please don't ever let it take over you like I did.
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