A BULLY STORY | hannah's story

this is my story; 

this is in no way, shape, or form, a plea for attention. 

my story began in elementary school. i had just moved to lehi from mapleton. ive never struggled making friends in general, so the move itself wasn't bad. the bad part was that i was the "new kid". i had glasses, terrible teeth, and was really tall. so, naturally, i was an easy target. kids would say thing to me, but i brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal. because at the time, it wasn't a big deal. i was the happy-go-lucky kid that never got sad. ever. then, one day, that attitude changed.  

first major bully experience: first grade. i was sitting on the school bus next to my friend. we were about halfway to school when i felt something hit my head, but i didn't know what it was; so i asked my friend to look for me. it turns out, the kid behind me had decided to put 3 worms in my hair. no one would help me get them out, because "worms are gross!" as if i didn't know that already. i was screaming, and still, no one would help me. the bus driver pulled to the side of the road and helped me get the worms out of my hair. 

second major bully experience: fifth grade. we got our second seating chart. i got placed next to this kid in my class because my teacher said "you're the only one in our class that can handle what he says." she was so wrong. i was already hurting inside, and this boy added to the hurt more than i ever would've thought. he would tell me that i was too tall, too fat, too ugly, and too poor. as a fifth grader, that cuts deep. i would go home from school more days than not, absolutely sobbing. my parents called my teacher and told her what was going on, and my seat got changed. but his snide comments still kept coming; he was the reason i started having self esteem issues. 

third major experience: eighth grade. my fifth grade bully was still going at me, but there were more boys in on it now. i distinctly remember four of them, and i will never forget who they are, or what they said. my self esteem was at an all-time low. in my circle of friends, i was the one that stood up for everybody. so, when my world came crashing down, no one was there to help me. i had mastered the "smile to hide the pain" thing in fifth grade; so unless you really knew me, you wouldn't have had any idea how much i was breaking inside. i didn't know who to go to or what to do, so i resorted to self harm. i would cut myself on a daily basis. i would just lay on my bed and night, sobbing as i tore through my own skin. 

forth major bully experience: tenth grade. my self esteem was completely nonexistent. i hated myself more than anything. one day, i was at a basketball game with my friends and my boyfriend when we saw this kid that was in my English class. he and i talked a lot, and i considered him a friend. so we called him over and started talking. while we were talking, i noticed a girl sitting by herself so i went over to talk to her. she was waiting for her ride, so our conversation was brief. i walked over to my group of friends, and the kid from English left really fast after i got there. my best friend and boyfriend had a certain look on their faces; i couldn't tell if they were going to cry or kill someone. i asked them what had happened, and they wouldn't say. it took me a good 10 minutes to finally get it out of them. apparently my "friend" from English had told my boyfriend (and i quote this exactly) "why did you even go for hannah? you could do so much better. i mean, she's worthless" this made me more upset than i have been in my entire life. i walked outside to where he was sitting and told him that if he had something to say, he should say it to to my face. and sure enough, he did. he made eye contact and maintained while he told me that i was completely worthless and not good enough. i then burst into tears. i asked him how he could say that about me, his response was quite simple, "because it's true." 

fifth major bully experience: tenth grade. i hated myself more than i can even explain. I HATED, HATED, HATED MYSELF. it had gotten to the point that i emotionally couldn't hold myself up anymore. i faked being sick a couple of times because just the thought of going to school and having people look at me made me cry. i literally couldn't do it on my own. luckily, i had my boyfriend, or so i thought. just when i was at my lowest point, (where it was hard for me to leave the house without crying) he dumped me. he was the one person that was holding me up, and i didn't know what to do with myself anymore. but im the kind of person that doesn't want people to know anything is wrong, so i went to school the next day. april 27, 2014. that was probably one of the biggest mistakes i have ever made. i kept pills in my backpack because i have chronic migraines. and for numerous reasons, i ended up overdoing on excedrin and tylenol at the same time. the ambulance and fire trucks had to come to my school and rush me to the emergency room. the doctor told my dad that they couldn't flush out the drugs because i had taken them long enough ago that they were already dissolving into my system. we had to sit in the emergency room for 4 hours, hoping that i didn't take enough pills for the toxicity level in my blood to get too high. i wouldnt accept what i had done. i sat down and thought about why i tried to kill myself, and i got one reason; because i deserved to die. and i hated myself so much that i want to be the person to kill me. 

i am sixteen. i am here to tell you, I have been through hell and back a dozen times. it will get better. im working on getting better. im learning how to cope, as well as learning to like myself. it's a slow process, but im working on it. i will be a junior next year, and a lot of the scars from cutting myself in eighth grade are still visible; but but im learning to accept it, and take responsibility for my past actions. im transferring high schools to give myself a new surrounding look, you WILL get better. and things WILL look up. but you have to WANT it to get better as much as you want to breathe. not only want it, but you have to put in the time and dedication to fix it. it's a real problem; treat it like one. and that is my story thus far.